The Adventures of Pipehead in Nosgoth
by Guardian of Tears
Summary: It's the long anticipated moment you've been waiting for, friends.... Moebius shall, in this chapter, be dyed PINK! Let the mayhem begin! * R&R please *
1. Enter the baby!

I own nothing! Nothing I tell you!  
  
(Except for Nissa, Andomen and Pipehead-sorta.)  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
One day in the Sanctuary of the Clans Kain had just slaughtered a whole bunch of unimportant people when he heard the screams of some of his subjects.  
  
Random Turelim: Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Random Dumahim: The evil one!  
  
Random Melchahim: Run away!  
  
Kain: Oh, it's Nissa.  
  
A young woman dressed all in black with dark blonde hair with natural copper highlights blasts the door of Kain's chamber and it crashes to the floor in pieces.  
  
Kain: (Frowns) those doors aren't cheep you know.  
  
Nissa: (Rolls eyes) Kain, you're the ruler of Nosgoth, im sure you can afford new doors.  
  
Kain: Yes, but you visit at least five times a day and everytime you smash the door. My accountant can't take it!  
  
Nissa: How is Zephon anyway?  
  
Just at that point Zephon runs in, he is being chased by Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Give me that back, git!  
  
Zephon: No! (Blows raspberry at his elder brother) Oh, look, lunch!  
  
Dumah & Kain: Huh!  
  
Both Kain and Dumah look down to where Zephon is looking. From behind Nissa's legs a two year old girl with blue eyes and blond hair done up in piggy tails is peering at them.  
  
Small child: Lookit!  
  
Kain: (Horrified) Please tell me that isn't yours.  
  
Nissa: (Disgusted) Definitely not! I'm baby-sitting her for a friend.  
  
Dumah: You!? Baby-sitting!? I'm surprised the child is still breathing!  
  
Nissa: (Whacks Dumah over the head with her axe, the small child giggles) Right, this is Pipehead, real name Piper Autumn-  
  
Zephon: What kind of a name is that!?  
  
Nissa: Her name. Kain, you're looking after her for half an hour.  
  
Pipehead: (Baby voice) Kain?  
  
Kain: WHAT!?  
  
Pipehead: (Happy baby voice) Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. Kain. (A/N: You know what small children are like when the hear a sound that they like)  
  
While Pipehead was repeating Kain's name over and over again the said vampire warlord and his best friend were arguing.  
  
Nissa: I need to go out for half and hour, it won't kill you!  
  
Kain: (In disbelief) Are you sure? That is you maniac friend Blaise's child! The spawn of the devil!  
  
Nissa: (reasonably) Well, you are a dark god so you two should get along fine.  
  
Kain: I am nowhere near that evil!  
  
Nissa: Come on, only for half an hour. (Dose puppy dog eyes on him)  
  
Kain: (Squirming slightly) Oooooooh, all right!  
  
Nissa: Yay! (Hugs Kain and gives him a kiss on the cheek, causing the vampire to blush) Thank you sooooooooo much. I'll never, ever forget it!  
  
Kain: (Muttering) To hell you won't.  
  
Nissa: (businesslike) Right. (Telepathically) BOYS!  
  
There is a distant sound of running as the four other lieutenants respond to the telepathic command. Melchiah is first through the door followed by Raziel, Turel and finally Rahab. Turel spots Pipehead and then attempts to jump out of a window. Since Kain's throne room doesn't have a window he just ends up knocking himself out. Pipehead wanders over to the prone vampire, sits on his chest and proceeds to tug at his ears.  
  
Pipehead: Tutu! Tutu! Tutu! Tutu! Tutu!  
  
Nissa: (points at Pipehead) Lads, exhibit A is Piper Autumn Archer, Daughter of Blaise Archer.   
  
The lieutenants freeze and then start to edge away very slowly from the toddler.   
  
Nissa: Your father has very kindly agreed to take care of her for a while. And if anything happens to her, Blaise will hurt me. (Her voice becomes quieter and more dangerous, her blue grey flicker with green fire for a moment) And if Blaise hurts me, I will hurt you. More. Understand?  
  
The Lieutenants: (Nod mutely)  
  
Nissa: (Brightly) Good. Glad we understand each other. (Goes over and picks Pipehead up by the back of her pink 'Kitten Princess' top)  
  
GoT: Right kid, if you cause any trouble, I will rip your face off!  
  
Pipehead: (Giggles) Dwagnissie! Gotta go now?  
  
Nissa: (Trying not to smirk) Yes. (Deposits child in Kain's throne) You boys have fun now! (she vanishes in a flash of golden light)  
  
Dumah: (Picking himself off the floor) Dad, what have you let us in for!?  
  
Kain: (Despairingly) I don't know!? I just can't stand it when she dose those puppy dog eyes! (wail) Why! Oh gods! Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Melchiah: Err, dad?  
  
Raziel: Shut up Mel. How dose the kid know Turel anyways?  
  
Rahab: He works at the same night club in Andomen with her.  
  
Melchiah: Umm, guys?  
  
Raziel: Ahhhhhh, what was the kid doing in a night club?  
  
Rahab: This is Blaise's child we're talking about.  
  
Raziel: Right.  
  
Melchiah: People!?  
  
Everyone: WHAT!!!!!!?????  
  
Melchiah: (Cringes) Where's the kid?  
  
Everyone: Huh?  
  
The assembled group look back to Kain's throne, which is void of small child.  
  
Zephon: Wahoo! (Dose the happy dance) Now we don't have to look after it!  
  
Everyone else: 0_o   
  
Kain: Didn't you hear what Nissa said?  
  
Zephon: Huh? Well, umm. . . . . . . (looks horrified) We've got to find that kid!  
  
Kain: Spread out and search! We've got to find it before Nissa comes back!  
  
The group of big bad vampire warriors (except Turel, because he's knocked out) run out of the Pillar room looking for a little girl because they are terrified of what a young human(ish) girl will do to them if they don't. Once they are gone Pipehead appears from behind the Pillar of States where she had been hiding. She then giggled, pulled out a pick crayon and proceeds to colour in the Pillar of Balance, while planning her next evil deed.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Pity the vamps. (A/N: Tries not to smirk. Gives up)  
  
Muhahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 


	2. Poor Wiel

Nice to see people are interested in my little fic.  
  
Fallen Templar - Hope you like this chapter. (snickers) Nope, you just can't pity them, can you?  
  
Z-F Kat - Haven't seen you before. Glad you liked it.  
  
Silvawen the Elf Crumpet - How do you like your daughter then?  
  
VladimirsAngel - I have no idea. Big girls blouse. Hahahaha. I hope the wedding's coming along nicely. Send Vladimir round to my house? I'll just set Pipehead on him! Muhahahahaha!  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
While Kain and his prodigy where running round Nosgoth looking for Pipehead the said girl was still in his throne room. She finished colouring the Pillar of Balance pink, had drew a picture of a puppy on the Pillar of Conflict and stuffed the remnants of the large stone door into Turel's ears. She was now sitting on Kain's throne absentmindedly swinging her legs while she debated in her head weather she should draw with permanent marker on 'Tutu's' face. It was then that she noticed a funny lady with no legs floating about the room. She had a wilted daisy in one hand and was, with the other, pulling random petals off it.  
  
Funny lady: I hate him. I hate him not. I hate him. I hate him not. I hate him. I hate him not. I hate him. I hate him not. I hat-  
  
Pipehead: Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!  
  
Funny lady: (drops the daisy in shock) Huh!? Awha!?   
  
Pipehead: Achickgud!  
  
The funny lady looked round, Pipehead could see that the lady had only half a face.  
  
Funny lady: Huh? A child?  
  
Pipehead decided to be friendly and waved at the lady, blowing bubbles. The funny lady drifted closer to the sickeningly cute infant.  
  
Funny lady: Hello, little one, what are you doing here?  
  
Pipehead: Burgle.  
  
Funny lady: My name is Ariel. What's yours?  
  
Pipehead recalled a memory of watching a movie with her dada about a similar situation.  
  
Pipehead: Boo!  
  
Ariel was very surprised, there was the cutest little girl she had ever seen in Kain's throne room. This was amazing in it's self, as Kain loathed children, particularly small ones. Also, the child did not seem to be scared of her, the floating ghost woman with no legs and half a face. Despite being dead for err, umm, a really, really long time, she still had the famous trait that a lot of females have.  
  
Going all gooey over babies.  
  
Ariel: Awwwwwww. That is so CUTE! Is your name Boo?  
  
Pipehead: (Nods)  
  
Ariel: Well, aren't you sweet? (tickles Pipehead/Boo under the chin)  
  
Pipehead/Boo: (giggles and tries to say Ariel's name) Awoo. Awill. Wiel.  
  
Ariel: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cuteness!  
  
Pipehead/Boo: Awww (begins to stroke the skull half of her face) Poor Wiel. Gotta hurta facie?  
  
Ariel: Awww. (picks Pipehead/Boo and begins to swing her around) I knew that I should have tried to convince Nup harder. Kids are great!  
  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of Nosgoth, in Dumah's clan territory.  
  
Raziel: (over the snow storm) I don't think it's here!  
  
Kain: (sarcastic) Oh really!  
  
Melchiah: Then can we go somewhere warm then!? My skin's starting to flake and I really like this skin, it's the one I got from Guardian on my deathday!  
  
Raziel: Why don't we go inside!? I'm sure I can get the furnace to work!  
  
Meanwhile Dumah is chasing Zephon again.  
  
Dumah: Give me back my fleece, you twat!  
  
Zephon: It has sheep on it! Oh my god! Sheep! Little fluffy ones! I thought you were a hard nut, Dum-Dum!?  
  
Dumah: Heretic! You shall pay dearly for this insult!  
  
The assorted vamps troop into Dumah's stronghold to try and get warm by the furnace, all except Dumah and Zephon, because Dumah is hitting Zephon over the head with the blunt end of a pointy staff.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Will the vampire's find Pipehead before Nissa comes back? Will they be able to make Ariel give the damn baby back? Will Turel ever wake up? And will Dumah kill his brother Zephon before this fic is over?  
  
(Sigh) We live in hope.  
  
Reviews? 


	3. Reinforcements

Forgot to do this last time. I don't own Monsters INC. either. I do, however, own Levi and Tor.  
  
Now, reviews!  
  
Light in dark places - Yes, small children are cute. They drive you sane-  
  
Levi: Wait a minute? They drive you sane?  
  
GoT: Well, i'm already at the insane end of the stick so people are now driving to the other end.  
  
Levi: That made absolutely no sense.  
  
GoT: Like this fic, so bugger off! As I was saying. Kids drive you sane but they're just to darn cute and you have to beware of the really cute ones, they're the ones that are most evil.  
  
Fallen Templar - I don't think they'll ever forget this little interlude. Awww. Thankee. (dose happy squirm)  
  
Z-F Kat - Thank you and here's the next chappy.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Kain and his group are huddled miserably in Dumah's fortress right next to the furnace. As Dumah is attempting to end his little brothers un-life it's up to Raziel to try and get the furnace going.  
  
Kain: (after Raziel has tried to get the thing to work for about the fifth time) Oh, just go out and get Dumah to turn it on.  
  
Raziel: No! I shall not be defeated by this mere machine! You never know, this may come in handy one day. Oh, there we go!  
  
Raziel had final managed to get the furnace to work and nearly toasted Rahab, who had been standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.  
  
Rahab: YEHAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH! (runs round in a little circle)  
  
Everyone: Hahahaha!  
  
Rahab: (sulkily) Not funny.  
  
Melchiah: Seriously, how are we going to find the kid?  
  
Kain: (thinks for a moment) I think we're going to have to call reinforcements.  
  
Rahab: Like who?  
  
Raziel: Not one of the girls, they'll just tell Niss or Blaise.  
  
Kain: (gets out the mobile Nissa gave him last Christmas and dials a number) (A/N: Yes, I know the wouldn't have Christmas in Nosgoth but this is my story so Ner!) Hello. Yes it's Kain. Fine, how's yourself? Right. Good. Look, just shut up a minute, will you? I need some help. I'll tell you when you get here? Yes. Uh huh. Right, meet you at the Dumahim warp gate. And bring that girlfriend of yours. Right. See you. (puts phone away) Okay, I've got us some back up?  
  
Rahab: Who?  
  
Kain: You'll see. Go and fetch your brothers, if they haven't killed each other. (Rahab leaves)  
  
Raziel: Do you think we should tell him he's named after a biblical prostitute?  
  
Kain: Where the hells did you find that out.  
  
Raziel: Nissa told me.  
  
Melchiah: What's a prostitute?  
  
Kain: (whispering) Well, don't tell the poor lad. He's warped enough as it is.  
  
Rahab: (entering with his brothers) So, what do we do now?  
  
Kain: Over to the warp gate!  
  
The group go out into the storm and wander over to the warp gate and wait (A/N: Ooh! That rhymed!  
  
Kain: Simple things  
  
What the hells are you doing in the author note!?  
  
Kain: Making you make the story go faster, I have a village to level, you know!  
  
By taking to me you're just making this author note longer  
  
Kain: Well-you see-umm-oh bugger!)  
  
After ten minutes have gone by  
  
Raziel: (looking at the inactive warp gate) Err, I though you said they were only going to be a few minutes, dad?  
  
An hour later  
  
Rahab: I'm booooooooooooooooored! (gets slapped by Kain)  
  
Five hours later  
  
Zephon: This is silly, why aren't they here yet?  
  
A really long time after that  
  
Dumah: Why aren't you making them come?  
  
Im not going to let them come till Kain apologises for interrupting me during my author note!  
  
Melchiah: Daaaaaaaaaad. Just apologise to her.  
  
Kain: (angrily) No! I did not become ruler of Nosgoth by apologising to begrudged fan fiction authors!  
  
Suite yourself.  
  
An embarrassingly long time later  
  
Kain: Nope. Not apologising.  
  
The kid will be grown up with her own children by now later  
  
Kain: NO!  
  
Grandchildren time period later  
  
Kain: Fine. Sorry!  
  
Say it like you mean it!  
  
Kain: (subdued) I'm sorry. Forgive me?  
  
That's better. You're forgiven. The door comes to life and a lanky vampire with silvery blond hair and blue eyes is spat out. He goes flying across the room and splats against the far wall.  
  
Lanky vampire: Yeowch! Bugger! That hurt!  
  
The vampire slides down the wall and lands in a crumpled heap on the floor. Then a young woman with cat ears, long black hair and orange eyes comes flying out of the gate. The warp gate shuts behind her. She goes flying across the room and is caught by Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Well, hello.  
  
Woman with cat ears: Eww! Get off me! (slaps Dumah and he drops her)  
  
Kain: Levi. Tor. Good to see you again.  
  
Levi: (picking himself off the floor) Hi Kain. What did you want help with then?  
  
Tor: Hello.  
  
Raziel: (staring at Levi) That's Levi? Levi as in Prince Leviathan Levi?  
  
Kain: Yes, why?  
  
Rahab: Well, from what you and Nissa told us, we'd expected him to be a little more. . .well. . .imposing.  
  
Levi sighs and shuts his eyes. There's a flash of blue light and where a young vampire had been standing there was an eight foot tall weredragon with blue scaly skin, large bat wings, sliver horns and claws, webbed hands and feet and a long, powerful tail with a fin at the end.  
  
Levi: (in a growing voice) Is this what you were expecting?  
  
Rahab: (in a tight little voice) yes.  
  
Levi returns to his vampire form.  
  
Tor: Honey, I wish you wouldn't scare people like that.  
  
Levi: Well, they asked for it.  
  
Raziel: (to Tor) I guess you must be Tor, right?  
  
Tor: Yup, i'm Tor. The red mage.  
  
Melchiah: That's fire magic right?  
  
Tor: Yup. (everyone edges away from Tor)  
  
Levi: I ask you again Kain. What did you want us for?  
  
Kain explained the situation to them.  
  
Levi: So basically you want us to help you catch Pipehead before my cousin comes back?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Tor: Wait one moment.  
  
Levi and Tor go over into a corner and start to have a huddled conversation, occasionally glancing over at the overlord and his sons.  
  
Zephon: What are they saying?  
  
Rahab: I don't know.  
  
Melchiah: Ask Turel, he's got huge ears.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, Turel what are they- (notices that the place is Turel-less) Where's Turel?  
  
Kain: Oh gods, did we lose him?  
  
Dumah: I think the last time I saw him was at the Sanctuary.  
  
Raziel: Is he still there?  
  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Sanctuary of the Clans Turel was slowly waking up. Upon waking up fully he had a moment of panic when he realised her couldn't hear anything. A few moments later he realised it was because someone had stuffed his ears full of rocks. It took him a few minutes to get the stuff out and his ears still hurt after it had all been removed. He sat up.  
  
Turel: Oh, I had such a hideous nightmare. I dreamt that demon child Pipehead came to Nosgoth and. . .   
  
Turel suddenly spots a terrible site. The ghostly spectre Ariel was sitting on Kain's throne telling Pipehead fairy tales.  
  
Ariel: And then Prince Charming married the Ugly Sister and went back to his father's castle leaving Cinderella feeling forlorn and destitute with the remaining ugly sister and her wicked step mother where she eventually committed suicide after years of mental abuse. The end. (A/N: This is Nosgoth, remember?)  
  
Turel decides to make an escape by a telaportation spell.  
  
  
Back at Dumah's place, Tor and Levi have come to an conclusion.  
  
Levi: Okay, we'll help.  
  
Kain: (dose happy dance) Thank you!  
  
At that moment Turel teleports in. He then throws himself, sobbing, at his father.  
  
Kain: Where the hells have you-ggugh!  
  
Turel: Daddy! It's terrible! That-that-that demon child was there! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Kain: Get off me! (shoves Turel into Raziel)  
  
Raziel: Argh!  
  
Levi: Where?  
  
Turel: (looks up, still sobbing) (calmly) Oh, hello Levi, Tor. (goes back to sobbing) ina, ina, ina throne room.  
  
Kain: But, it ran off, didn't it?  
  
Zephon: I though it might have hidden behind one of the Pillars.  
  
Kain: (angrily) Then why didn't you say anything before we went tramping all over Nosgoth!?  
  
Zephon: Well, you didn't ask.  
  
Kain goes for his second youngest but Dumah gets there first, never one to miss a chance to beat up his little brother.  
  
Tor: (while Dumah is beating the crap out of Zephon) Okay, then I guess we'd better go to the throne room place then.  
  
Levi: Right (make to leave then stops) err, Kain, you haven't told us who these people are?  
  
Kain: These people are my sons, you already know Turel. The bald guy in yellow is my youngest, Melchiah.  
  
Melchiah: (waves)  
  
Kain: The guy in grey who is getting beaten up is my second youngest, Zephon and the dude betting him up is my third eldest Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Hola! (goes back to kicking Zephon's arse)  
  
Kain: And the boy in blue is Rahab. He's the smart one.  
  
Rahab: Gutten tag.  
  
Kain: And last but not least, Raziel, my first born and favoured son.  
  
Raziel: (bows and kisses Tor's hand) The pleasure is mine.  
  
Tor blushes. Levi scowls.  
  
Tor: Ohh, well then we'd better get going.   
  
Tor walks over to the warp gate.  
  
Tor: Okay, what's the symbol for this throne room place.  
  
Kain: The swirly one.  
  
Tor: Alrighty then.  
  
Tor finds the right symbol and walks through the gate followed by everyone else. Dumah has to drag Zephon because he has knocked him out.  
  
  
Back in the throne room Pipehead suddenly looks up for Ariel's lap and her eyes flash dark green for a moment. She turns to the spectre.  
  
Pipehead: Gotta go now Wiel.  
  
Ariel: You have to go? Why?  
  
Pipehead: People here to get me.  
  
Ariel: Ooh, all right then.  
  
Ariel puts the child down on the floor and kisses her on the cheek. Pipehead wanders off out of the throne room. Ariel watches her go.  
  
Ariel: Humm. Melchiah likes kids, right?  
  
Pipehead meanwhile wanders out of the room and goes over to the warp gate. She then steps onto the little sun symbol and scrolls through the destinations until she comes to one she likes, one whose symbol is shaped like a clock. She then toddles through and the warp gate shuts behind her. A few seconds after she has gone the warp gate activates again and Kain and his group come through.  
  
Kain: Quickly! To the Sanctuary!  
  
The group as one run like the buggery towards the Sanctuary, completely unaware of how close they had been to catching the wayward brat.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Moebius: Argh! What is that demon child going to do to my beautiful Chronoplast!?  
  
GoT: Oh, wouldn't you like to know. Muhahahahahahahaha!  
  
Ahem. Before if forget you need to check out this new and really cham site http://www.chronoplast.net/ it's only just opened but the BO1 section is the best I've ever seen. Can't wait for the rest of it to come up. I think I'll put a link to it on my site.  
  
(hugs Levi and Tor) what did you think of my original characters, i'm going to write an original fic about them but I just wanted to introduce them and see what you people think of them.  
  
See you in the next chapter. And don't forget to review. 


	4. The author is trying to get sympathy, so...

And here's the next chapter but before you read it I have a few announcements.  
  
Ahem.  
  
First- I have mock GCSE's coming up in a week so i'm not going to have much time to write.  
  
Second- I now have an online journal so if you want to know how the fanfics are coming on I suggest you go there. There's a link to it on my web site.  
  
Third- In case any of you are wondering why I haven't updated of Sun and Shadows for a while it's because that I started writing it with only a vague idea of what's going to happen. Now, however, I have to start planning a bit (waves her note book) i'm writing basic out lines for every chapter and I've still got a long way to go. I've got and ending sorted out but I just have to decide what i'm going to put in the middle. If you want to know how it's coming on, check the journal every now and then.  
  
Forth- Reviews!  
  
Silveriss - It's only a lot of females, Rahab. I hate small children and I am defiantly female.  
Oh, you like Levi and Tor? Yay!  
What's the little squirt going to get into? Now that would be telling. (looks smug)  
  
Silvawen the Elf Crumpet - Meh, i'm not going to do a proper response to you, because I'll see you on Monday in purgatory (school)  
  
Z-F Kat - Like I said to Silveriss: that would be telling.   
Have you looked at the site? What did you think?  
  
Fallen Templar - Thanks. Glad you like Levi and Tor, but I think they'll be taking a bit of a back seat in this one, it's not their story, it's the SR boys (and Pipehead's, of course)  
  
Well, I've wasted you time enough, now on with the chapter!  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Kain and co. run into the throne room. Zephon runs into the back of Dumah, therefor giving him yet another reason to beat the living daylights out of him. Well, he's a vampire so it wouldn't exactly be living daylights would it? Humm, dead night lights perhaps?  
  
Melchiah: Woah! Woah! Hold up! Zephon has a night light!?  
  
Zephon: What!? NO!  
  
Melchiah: Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Zephon has a night light! Zephon's scared of the dark! Zephon's a baby!  
  
Zephon: (red in the face, breathing heavily) I. Do. Not. Have. A. NIGHT LIGHT!  
  
Melchiah: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Wait until I tell Z-F Kat!  
  
Zephon: You shall do no such thing!  
  
Melchiah: Just you try and stop me! (blows raspberry at his elder brother)  
  
Zephon then proceeds to attack his brother.  
  
Levi: Hey, wasn't Dumah supposed to be beating up Zephon to begin with?  
  
Yes, well, err, umm, DAMNIT! Rewind the fic back!  
  
There is a bunch of static while the story is rewound back to:  
  
et another reason to beat the, err, hell out of him.  
  
Kain: Well, that was pointless.  
  
Don't start that again Kain or I'll use author powers on you!  
  
Kain: You can't kill me! I'm the hero and you're one of my fan girls so you won't do anything to me!  
  
There are worse fates that death, Kain.  
  
Kaino: Oh gods! Now she thinks she's the elder!  
  
Levi: Err, Kaino?  
  
Kaino: What did you just call me!?  
  
Levi: You just might want to have a look there (points to Kaino's name)  
  
Kaino: Why, what's goin. . . WHAT THE HELLS!!!!!!!  
  
Rahab: You shouldn't have messed with the authoress, dad.  
  
Kaino: Wretched woman! Change it back this instant!  
  
Make me!  
  
Kaino: I will not beg!  
  
I'm not asking you to.  
  
Kaino: Why must you humiliate me like this?  
  
You do it to yourself.  
  
Kaino: Change it back!  
  
Silence.  
  
Kaino: I said change it back!  
  
Silence.  
  
Kaino: Change it!!!  
  
Silence.  
  
Levi: Err, boss, is their something wrong?  
  
Sniff, sniff.  
  
Turel: What the hells?  
  
Sniff, sniff.  
  
Tor: Oh dear.  
  
It's not as if I don't have feelings.  
  
Raziel: Is everything all right?  
  
I mean, I try to write fiction and then the characters start to yell at me. And it upsets me. Sniff, sniff.  
  
Kaino: Did. I. Hurt her feelings?  
  
Still sobbing quietly to herself.  
  
Tor: Duh!  
  
Kaino: God, I didn't realise she was taking it to heart. Sorry.  
  
Sniff. You mean it?  
  
Kaino: Of course.  
  
Sniff. Thanks.  
  
Kaino: Will you change my name back, please? I'll be nice.  
  
Okay then.  
  
Kain: Thanks.  
  
Now on with the story! They run into the room and they can plainly see that there if no Pipehead. Kain dose, however, notice that his Pillar is now pink!  
  
Kain: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY PILLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Rahab: He's not taking it to well is he?  
  
Raziel: Nope.  
  
Rahab: Well, it shows that the kid was here.  
  
Raziel: In deed. Hehehehe.  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Raziel: (points to the Pillar of Conflict) To bad Malek can't see that. He'd flip his helmet. Snort.  
  
Rahab: Hahahaha. Hey dad, this'll cheer you up.  
  
Kain: Boo-hoo-ho-wha? (sees where Rahab is pointing) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Muhahahahahahahahahahaha (cough gasp wheeze) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Tor: Hey! Cool! A woman with half a face!  
  
The group turn to have a look at where she's pointing and it turns out to be Ariel.  
  
Levi: Ewwwwwww.  
  
Kain decides to ask Ariel if she's seen the kid. And this has to be done delicately as she hates his undead guts.  
  
Kain: Hey bone face! Seen a kid recently!  
  
Ariel: (nastily) Even if I had I wouldn't tell you, you selfish bat bastard!  
  
Kain: What nice cheek bones you have.  
  
Ariel: Why thank yo- HEY!  
  
Everyone else: Snigger.  
  
Ariel: (folds her arms) Just for that comment im not going to tell you about the little girl.  
  
Rahab: Ahh, so you did see a little girl?  
  
Ariel: (flustered) What? No!  
  
Melchiah: Then how did you know that it was a girl?  
  
Ariel: Well-you see-err-Kain said it was a girl!  
  
Kain: No I didn't!  
  
Ariel: Yes you certainly did!  
  
Kain: I think I can remember what I did and did not say, woman!  
  
Ariel: You said girl!  
  
Kain: I said kid!  
  
Ariel: Girl!  
  
Kain: Kid!  
  
Ariel: GIRL!  
  
Kain: KID!  
  
While the two Balance guardians were arguing Levi was in his weredragon form, sniffing about while Tor was chatting Raziel.  
  
Raziel: So Levi's a weredragon. What are you then? A werecat?  
  
Tor: Close. I'm a fire elf from Tenier.  
  
Raziel: (one eyebrow raised) An elf?  
  
Tor: Fire elf. You know about evolution?  
  
Raziel: Sure, i'm due for my next one in a couple of weeks. (A/N: Oh dear!  
  
Raziel: Why, do you know something I don't!?  
  
Never mind  
  
Raziel: Oooooooooookay then)  
  
Tor: Right, but on Tenier, elves evolved from cats. (A/N: You gotta admit, the elves are kinda like cats, right. The wonderful Orlando himself said so on the bonus footage at the end of Lord of the Rings.)  
  
Raziel: Okay then. So what's he doing? (points to Levi)  
  
Tor: He's trying to sniff out the kid.  
  
Raziel: Is he having any luck?  
  
Tor: I don't kn-  
  
Levi: Eureka!  
  
Kain: Well at least I can still-Wha?  
  
Levi: I have the brat's scent!  
  
Turel: EEP! (tries to jump out of the non-existent window again but is stopped by Rahab)  
  
Raziel: Which way did it go!?  
  
Levi: (points dramatically out of the door) This way!  
  
Everyone follows Levi out of the room leaving Ariel to herself.  
  
Ariel: Oh well, (gets out her mobile phone) Hi? I was thinking about adoption and.....  
  
The group make their way back to the warp gate.  
  
Kain: Okay then, how do we know which one she went through then?  
  
Zephon: We could ask the authoress?  
  
I'm not sure it's strictly allowed.  
  
Kain: Hey, you tell us where the kid went and you can have Turel!  
  
Well in that case. . .she went to the Chronoplast.  
  
Kain: Okay then. (turns to Turel) Sorry about this but you're going to have to go with her.  
  
Turel: Ooh. I don't mind at all. 1) I don't have to find the kid and 2) I get to go with the authoress!  
  
Yippee! A giant hand appears and drags Turel out of the fic and into author land. We shall now only hear him in author notes.  
  
Kain: Right then, onto the Chronoplast!  
  
The group walk through the gate and end up just outside the Chronoplast. They can hear strange sounds coming from down the tunnel so they decide to investigate. They come across those little portal time star showy thingies, you know, the once near the end of SR where you see Raz killing Ariel and whole bunch of other crap. Anyway, they come to one of them and somehow Pipehead has managed to make it show the Magic Roundabout, which makes everyone for Nosgoth really confused.  
  
Dumah: What the hell is that? A mop?  
  
Zephon: That cow is pink. Cows should not be pink.  
  
Melchiah: I don't know, I've seen some pink cows before.  
  
Everyone stares at him for a few moments.  
  
Rahab: -_- You painted it pink, didn't you?  
  
Melchiah: ^_^ (nods happily)  
  
Tor: Okay then, we know she's been here. Magic Roundabout is her favourite show.  
  
Kain: So where do we go now?  
  
Levi: Why don't we try that big door we passed earlier?  
  
And so our little group make their way into the Chronoplast it's self. It's normally awe-inspiring atmosphere is somewhat spoiled by Pipehead. You see the demon child had got in and had somehow managed to get it working, the giant mobile spiny round thing on the ceiling was spinning round and round at a speed that makes you sick to look at it. Despite that fact that there was absolutely now way for her to have do this, Pipehead had somehow managed to climb up to the giant mobile spiny thing and was hanging from one of the branches (A/N: Is that the right word for it?) And was having the time of her young life.  
  
Pipehead: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (A/N: Imagine frantic music playing in the back ground, like the music Lisa was playing in the Simpsons when Bart stole Grandpa's teeth and was spinning round on the ceiling fan, that's probably where I got the idea from.  
  
Turel: Guardian of Tears dose not own and dose not claim to own the Simpsons, nor the Magic Roundabout)  
  
Everyone: @_@  
  
Kain: How the Pillars did she get up there!!?  
  
Rahab: I have absolutely no bloody idea?  
  
Levi: She's half Elf, a quater Siren and a quater Imp. She defies logic on a daily basics.  
  
Dumah: (trying to kill Zephon quietly in the background)   
  
Zephon: Gark! Argh!   
  
Tor: (getting a little hypnotised by the giant mobile spiny thing as it keeps spinning around and around and around and around and around and around and around and arou. . . .  
  
Turel: (pokes the hypnotise authoress) Guardian. Wake up!  
  
I'm awake!)  
  
Raziel: Don't worry, as soon as she throws up she'll come down.  
  
Melchiah: (goes out to be sick and the sight of the giant mobile spiny thing)  
  
However, before anyone can do anything, disaster strikes. Pipehead loses her grip on the giant mobile spiny thing and goes flying through the Chronoplast portal and is sent hurdling through the time streams to an unknown destination. You'll be pleased (or not so pleased) to know that this experience dose not traumatise her in anyway (Turel: She's warped enough as it is) she just found the sensation a little ticklish.  
  
Kain: Oh drat!  
  
Raziel: That's a very unusual swear, dad.  
  
Rahab: What are we going to do now?  
  
Melchiah: (coming back in) Well, we're going after it.  
  
Raziel: What!? We don't know what time it leads to! It could take us to the future, to the end of Nosgoth.  
  
Rahab: Would you rather wait for Nissa to come back?  
  
The colour drains from the vampires already pale faces.  
  
Levi: There is also the possibility that Blaise may come to claim her daughter.  
  
Kain: (points dramatically) Through the Portal!  
  
And so our group head through the time portal to an unknown destination in continuance of their quest.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Turel: They're not going to fall for your attempt to get them to pity you.  
  
GoT: Oh shut up. I've got enough stress from school with out you giving me grief. Now, go and make me a cup of tea!  
  
Turel: You can't make me make you a cup of tea.  
  
GoT: Oh yes I can, I bought you fair and square at the auction! (Check out Demon Hunter Anamae's fic Bachelors of Nosgoth if you don't understand what I mean. Turel's mine! He's all mine! Mine! Muhahahahaha!)  
  
Turel: Fine, I'll go make the tea! (walks out)  
  
GoT: Now, when he comes back it's time for some stress relief. Eh-he-he-he-he! (say no more as I want it to remain a PG-13 rating) 


	5. Parodies and Plotholes

Look! I'm not dead. I LIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *ahem* Okay, I must thank Elfie for typing this up for me. However, Elfie also decided to add her own little 'touches' in the form of Elfie notes, those are the ones in square brackets with the little E/N: in front of them.   
  
Right, now for the reviews.  
  
Firstly Fallen Templar - Well, the test went okay (all except for maths, I got unclassified grade meep!) Web site is now down i'm afraid while I move it to a new server (geocities kept mucking me about) Anyway, ta for the review hunnie!  
  
Mysterious Kat - Don't worry Zephon (winks) I won't tell your brothers. Spiderman, that's cute. Thanks for the amusing review Kat ^____^  
  
Vladimirsangel - Yes! Someone who agrees with me about elves! Gosh, it was the mocks when I last updated (is horrible embarrassed) Golly gosh, what a long time. Thank you.  
  
Silveriss - I'm sure you've got Rahab back by now ;-) Thanks for reviewin me. Incidentally, is there a fic about Jarlaxle? He looks interesting.  
  
Elfie - I'm talking to you right now on MSN so I'll just say thanks for reviewing sweetie. ^_^  
  
Fallen Templar - Again? Nice to see you with an account. Oh well, can't have to many reviews can we? (winks)  
  
Frying Pan Girl (LIEUTENAT OTAKU!!!!) - Okay, you're new. I take it you like those particular quotes then?  
  
(looks around) Okay, that seems to be everything. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen , vampires of all ages I give you chapter five of The Adventures Of Pipehead In Nosgoth!  
  
========================  
  
Pipehead lands with a thump on the floor of the Chronoplast, currently hidden from view by cool misty stuff. Moebius, the ever unbearable Time Streaming git looks up from a copy of the Nosgoth Times.   
  
Moebius: Raziel? (consults his watch) You're not due for another ten years.   
  
Moebius peers round once the mist has cleared but sees no one.   
  
Moebius: What the-   
  
THWACK!!!   
  
Moebius had made the mistake of leaving his staff with the giant anti-vampire crystal on it leaning against the wall.   
  
Pipehead: Oopsies (giggles)   
  
The evil child had dashed round behind the equally as evil puppet master of Nosgoth and had tried to pick his glorified walking stick up. As the staff was about twice as tall as she was, and most of the staff's weight was concentrated at the highest part, far above Pipehead, the stick had overbalanced, smacking Moebius over his bald head and putting quite a large crack in the purple ball.   
  
Pipehead lets the staff fall to the ground and runs off, baby cackling. [E/N: Babies don't cackle, Nissie! You're biased!] (A/N: Yes, your point is Elfie?)  
  
It turns out that Pipehead has crash landed in the Sarafan Fortress. The place is deathly quiet and not a soul is about. The reason for this is the Annual Sarafan v. Vampires Nosgoth Battleship Tournament is being held in the lake outside the stronghold, the one that is enclosed all round by cliffs and has that little balcony overlooking it. Currently the Vampires are in the lead in the lead by one sunk oil tanker and two rubber duckies. Things are looking to get ugly, the Sarafan always having been sore losers.   
  
Pipehead stops to watch for a while.   
  
Vorador Bride 1: FORE!   
  
She cuts the rope causing the catapult to launch a load of Vorador's old shoes over the magically constructed wall hovering half way across the lake.   
  
Vorador Bride 2: Is it a hit?   
  
Random Sarafan: (from his side of the wall) NOPE!   
  
Vorador Bride 1: Damn! Cross C2 off the list.   
  
Becoming bored (due to her having the attention span of a bee) Pipehead makes her way out of the Fortress and heads in the general direction of Termogent Swamp.   
  
~*~  
  
As always, a few minutes too late to catch the elusive infant, Kain and his cronies emerge from the time streams in the familiar multicoloured cloud and spot the prone body of the EVIL guardian of time.   
  
Kain: HA! (runs over and kicks Moebius) Take that, you bastard!   
  
Raziel: Dad, who's he? (points at Moebius)   
  
Kain: Moebius (kicks him again)   
  
Dumah: (incredulous) That's Moebius?!   
  
Kain: Yeah, that's what I said, isn't it? (starts stamping on Moebius' head)   
  
Rahab: I thought you said he was eight foot tall-   
  
Zephon: -With massive lobster claws for hands-   
  
Melchiah: -And slobbering claws-   
  
Rahab: -Right Dad?   
  
Kain: (senses his abuse) Ah, I did say that, didn't I?   
  
Levi and Tor start to giggle quietly. The lieutenants all nod. (A/N: Turel nods from writer land)   
  
Kain: (thinking quickly) Yes! I did say that but…………… er…………… it wasn't about Moebius!   
  
Raziel: So who did you say it about then?   
  
Kain: (looking round for inspiration) Umm………… (spots a random black demon rip through the dimensions, smash through a wall and chase a random Sarafan down the corridor) The Unspoken! Yes! That's it! I said it about the Unspoken! Yes!   
  
Raziel: Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhttttttt (one raised eyebrow) The giant demon dude who you heroically saved Nissa from armed solely with a rubber pilchard and a small tennis racket?   
  
Kain: (relieved) Yes, that's the one.   
  
None of the sons look impressed and Levi and Tor are doubled up with silent laughter. Kain scowls.   
  
Kain: (to the author) This is your fault.   
  
I fail to see how I am responsible. I'm not the one who has been………… ah, adding to the truth.   
  
Kain spots the looks everyone else is giving him.   
  
Kain: (thinking) Shit! I'm going to lose the respect of minions. (out loud, changes subject) Hows about we perform an act of interesting and unusual torture on Moby, huh, boys?   
  
Dumah: On Zephy? Okay!   
  
Zephon: Oh sh-   
  
Dumah jumps on Zephon, wrestles him to the floor and begins to bang his head repeatedly on the floor of the chamber,   
  
Levi: Is he deaf?   
  
Rahab: No, he just deliberately misheard father.   
  
Tor: Hadn't we better stop them before they kill each other……… well……… before Dumah kills Zephon?   
  
Raziel: Nah, best to just let him get it out of his system.   
  
Tor: So……… why don't we like Moe-wassit?   
  
Levi: Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me! (jumps up and down waving one arm frantically)   
  
Tor: I was talking to Razy!   
  
Levi glowers.   
  
Raziel: Well, it all started when Dad was a just a little fledgling………   
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile   
  
Pipehead wanders out of the smouldering remains of Termogent Swamp, the place having been burnt to the ground after a rather surreal yet humorous interlude involving Pipehead, Vorador and one eighth of his harem, an idiot's road map of Nosgoth, a rabid cockroach and a small tangerine. Due to the fact that Vorador and a small army of his hench-vampires have tied Turel up and are holding weapons of mass destruction to my head, I am afraid I cannot recount this rather embarrassing and highly amusing scene.   
  
Anyway, going north, Pipehead discovers the quaint hamlet of Uschtenhiem. As she make her way through she spots a gingerbread shop.   
  
Pipehead: (wide-eyed) Ooooooooo (presses her little button nose against the window pane)   
  
Pipehead's stomach rumbles loudly, she hasn't had anything to eat since breakfast. She decides to do the most effective thing an infant can when hungry, she sits down on the pavement and bawls her head.   
  
High above the town everyone's favourite Ancient, the raven winged Janos Audron, was riding the thermals on his way back from the 25th Annual Star Trek Convention. He halts beating his wings lazily to stay in the air, as he hears the sound of crying carried to him to investigate. As he lands silently, he is surprised to see a small child, completely by herself, crying her eyes out. He crouches down so he'll appear non threatening and addresses.   
  
Janos: Hello there, little one.   
  
Pipehead looks up and gasps when she sees Janos.   
  
Pipehead: (In little child awe) Lookit! A angil!   
  
Janos chuckles, amused and slightly flattered.   
  
Janos: My name is Janos. What's yours?   
  
Pipehead: Piper.   
  
Janos: Piper? That's certainly an unusual name, but an attractive one. Piper, why were you crying?   
  
Pipehead points at the shop window.   
  
Pipehead: Oim hungwy.   
  
Janos: (smiles) Well, we can soon sort that out.   
  
Janos picks Pipehead up. The little girl coos and giggles, making Janos smile even more, delighted at the novelty of finally finding someone who doesn't run away screaming at the sight of him. The vampire carries the child into the shop.   
  
Janos: (to the shopkeeper) Excuse me, my good man-   
  
Shopkeeper: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Janos Audron!!! (runs out of the shop screaming)   
  
Janos: (sighs) Why do they always do that? I'm a nice guy.   
  
Janos puts Pipehead down and she scuttles around, stuffing as much gingerbread into her mouth as she can and secreting her person. Janos watches her for a few moments with one eyebrow raised before counting ten gold coins into the till. Once Pipehead is finished, Janos picks her up and regards her curiously.   
  
Janos: Now, what to do with you? I know you're not from Nosgoth. You smell like an Elf. Are you an Elf, Piper?   
  
Pipehead: Daddy is.   
  
Janos: I thought so. You must have wandered through one of those inter-dimensional portals. Well, if so, one of their rescue parties will be along to fetch you. Till then, I think I will take you back to my home. Is that okay with you, Piper? [E/N: Er……… one word: PEDOPHILE!!! Strange man takes small girl back to his house. It's very wrong. Nissie, I'm appalled!] (A/N: IT WAS HER! NOT ME! 'TWAS ELFIE THAT UTTERED THE BLASPHEMY!)  
  
Pipehead nods and holds her arms out to be picked up. Janos cradles the child against his chest to protect her from the biting winds and flies off.   
  
~*~  
  
Zephon: PINK! (A/N: Look! I didn't start a new section with 'meanwhile' YAY!)  
  
Tor: (looking up from her gameboy) I thought the standard, accepted word was eureka.   
  
Zephon: No, pink!   
  
Raziel: Is there something you're not telling us?   
  
Zephon: NO! What I mean is, we dye Moebius' robes pink while he's asleep.   
  
Kain: Good idea.   
  
Rahab: (looking at the knocked out guardian dubiously) Won't that involve taking the robe off?   
  
Everyone looks slightly ill at the prospect of undressing Moebius.   
  
Melchiah: Okay then, why don't we just dye the whole of Moebius pink?   
  
(A/N: Vorador Hench Vamp 1: Err, Miss Guardian?   
  
Huh? Who has the guile to interrupt my story?!   
  
VH1: Err, me, miss.   
  
What do you wan then boy? Spit it out!   
  
VH1: I, umm, I think I may have spotted an inconstancy in the story line.   
  
Which is?   
  
VH1: I believe earlier on you said that Dumah was beating up Zephon and now he isn't. [E/N: A guy can stop, can't he?]  
  
Yes, but I'm allowed to have plotholes if I want!   
  
VH1: Yes, but-   
  
A man in a suite of armour walks up and hits the hench vampire over the head with a rubber chicken causing the vampire to be turned into a strawberry meringue who is then beamed up by a spaceship shaped like an apron.   
  
Anyone else wanna be a smart arse?   
  
All assembled vampires shake their heads violently.   
  
Good!)   
  
Kain: That must be the longest author note so far. Anyway, what were we saying?   
  
Levi looks back to the previous page.   
  
Levi: Let's see, Mel had just suggested that we dye the whole of Moebius pink.   
  
Kain: Okay then, I'll get the vat.   
  
Dumah: I'll get the dye.   
  
Tor: I'll get the firewood.   
  
Levi: I'll get the water.   
  
Raziel: I'll smash the staff.   
  
Rahab: I'll get the popcorn.   
  
Melchiah: I'll get the chairs.   
  
Zephon: I'll……… errrr……… hey! What can I do?   
  
Kain: I dunno. Hows about you just stand there and look pretty?   
  
It is at this point that the camera pulls away from the group, goes through the ceiling of the Sarafan Fortress (causing thousands of whatever money they use worth of damage) up and away from the happy little green and blue sphere that is Nosgoth. Away from the Solar System, through the stars [E/N: Literally through them? Wouldn't that be kinda hot?] (A/N: Duh!) till the planet Nosgoth is lost amid twinkling white dots and the entire universe is seen in all its glory. The camera then pans up a little more to show that the Universe is actually inside a crystal on a ring that God has just given his girlfriend, and just by writing this the author realise she may have just committed religious suicide.   
  
Anyway, this means that the chapter is over, since I've run out of things to write.   
  
.....  
  
.....  
  
Err, reviews? (disappears)  
  
======================  
  
Kain: (Looking round the space of an empty fic) To quote Elfie: That was random.  
  
Levi: So, what do was do now?  
  
Kain: How about we all go for a pizza.  
  
Raziel: By the way (puppy dog eyes) Please review, we all need to be fed.  
  
Kain: You really have no shame do you.  
  
Raziel: So, G said she'll get me a lifetime pass to 13 Levels if I did that for her. Since i'm immortal I think that I get the better half of the deal. (grins) Oh-oh!  
  
Raziel runs off as a mob of fangirls chase after him screaming. Kain shakes his head in amusement 


	6. Where are all these people coming from?

G/N: Hi, I'm back. Exams are over and I'm free till September so updates will be a lot faster now (unless my C drive gets wiped again, grrrrr, damn computer). Also, I have a new muse. You may remember my old one, Callopera, well she doesn't do much now apart from site in her corner of the cave and hit herself on the head with blunt instruments. I found a new muse while I was away from ff.net, his name is Brogan, say hi to the nice people, Brogan.  
  
The rock that GoT was sitting on moves and opens a blue eye.  
  
GoT: Everyone, this is Brogan, he's a silver dragon.  
  
Brogan: (looks at the readers) Greetings, squishy humans. (looks at GoT) Guardian, you lazy girl, you just copied that from Naz-Girls!  
  
GoT: Well, it saves time.  
  
Brogan: (snorts) Well, it's not very polite.  
  
GoT: Well, I'm not polite. When was the last time I updated this anyway?  
  
Callopera: (from her corner) 14/3/03   
  
GoT: Wow, that long?  
  
Brogan: G, dear, don't you think you should do review responses now?  
  
GoT: Oh yeah, good idea. Glad I thought of it!  
  
Brogan rolls his eyes.  
  
GoT: Humm, only two. Oh well. First,  
  
Space Toaster - Thank you, I'm glad you like it. So, you're two people?  
  
Vladimirsangel - YES! MOEBIUS IS PINK, REJOICE! You got mental images? Cool! (is honoured) I gave people mental images. (looks over to where Raz and Kain are eating the pizza VA gave them)  
  
Raziel: Hey, there are anchovies on this! OUCH! (rubs his head where Kain hit him)  
  
Kain: Shut UP, you ungrateful little maggot!  
  
GoT: Anyway, I hope this chapter is to your (winks) liking.  
  
Raziel: It certainly was to mine! (grins devilishly)  
  
Brogan rolls his eyes again.  
  
Got: Right. (claps her hands together) That over and done with, let us get on with the fic!  
  
===================  
  
Chapter 6: Where are all these people coming from?  
  
We here a drum roll as we enter the Chronoplast. Chairs have been arranged around a makeshift stage with heavy red velvet curtains. There are a majority of vampires occupying the seats, a few humans and a couple of demons. Everyone is eating popcorn and is anxious for the entertainment to begin. A couple had evidently got board of waiting and were making out on the back row, till the ushers turned the hose pipes on them. Since the couple were both vampires this did have the desired effect of making them stop.   
  
Off to one side, sitting behind a set of drums, is Lupa the wolf girl (G/N: Used with full permission of VladimirsAngel. Go and read her stuff on fictionpress.net, her poems and stories are super good. And while you're at it you could also read my poems while you're there.  
  
Turel: Coughcoughshamelesslypromotingherownstuffcough) The lights dim and everyone stops talking, the crunch of popcorn and the slurp of fizzy drinks the only sounds to be heard. A spotlight comes up on centre stage and Raziel appears from behind the curtain, he smiles at the audience.  
  
Raziel: Welcome, one and all, to the Chronoplast Chamber this evening. Tonight's show will comprise mainly of (well, solely of) us ridiculing an old man and shaming him for all time.  
  
Raziel smirks at this little joke as the audience cheers. Then, after a moment, he silences them with a wave of his hand.  
  
Raziel: But not just any old man, friends, no, we shall be tormenting that manipulative, bug eyes, bald headed uber twat and all time meanie, Moebius!  
  
The crowd go wild at this, shouting, screaming, stamping their feet, throwing confetti, you know, the usual. Raziel again silences them.  
  
Raziel: May I also remind you that there are souvenirs for sale at the back of the room, please purchase some on the way out to remind you of this happy day in years to come.  
  
At the back we can see Tor manning a small store where you can buy 'I Saw Moebius Dunked!' Tee-shirts, fragments of his purple orb thing that Raziel has handily smashed and sugar Moebius' that could be dipped in pink sherbet. Helping her are Dumah and Zephon, who have, for the moment, set aside their difference for the noble cause of making money.  
  
Raziel: Lupa love? The drum roll please.  
  
Lupa: Oki doki, Razzy babe.  
  
She picks up her drum sticks.  
  
Raziel: (scowling) Don't call me babe.  
  
Lupa dose a very impressive drum roll as Levi pulls back the curtain to reveal a large vat of thick, pink liquid and a dunking machine like the ones medieval witch hunters used to use. Standing to one side, Soul Reaver in hand and a massive grin on his face, is Kain. Once the curtain is fully drawn Lupa continues her drum roll for another six minutes, finishing with a series of loud clashes from her cymbals.  
  
Raziel: No need to go overboard Lupa honey.  
  
Levi: (mutters) Show off. OUCH!  
  
Levi rubs the back of his head where Lupa has thrown her drumsticks at him. Kain bows to the audience, who are now cheering and wolf whistling him.  
  
Kain: Bring out the VICTIM!  
  
Lupa plays a death march as Rahab and Melchiah carry the still unconscious Moebius out onto the stage.  
  
Kain: Awaken the victim!  
  
Rahab pulls out a small hammer and whacks Moebius in the crotch. Moebius sits bolt upright and screams in a very high pitched voice.  
  
Moebius: EEEEAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!  
  
Kain: Rise and shine, sleeping oldie.  
  
Moebius: Ehhh...? Kain....? OH SHIT! WHERE'S MY STAFF!  
  
Rahab: Would that be the staff that had the big orb on it? The big orb that my dearest brother Raziel smashed up and is right now using as a back scratcher?  
  
Moebius looks over to where Raziel is standing, using a section of the staff to scratch his back.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah, that's the spot.  
  
Moebius whimpers softy.  
  
Kain: Tie the bastard to the dunky thing.  
  
Melchiah: With pleasure dad!  
  
Both he and Rahab drag Moebius kicking and screaming to the witch dunker wossit and tie him in. The only thing stopping the frantic guardian from getting very well aquatinted with a load of pink goo is a thick rope. Kain walks over to the afore said rope and raised the Soul Reaver. Moebius makes a bubbling noise.  
  
Kain: Would someone be so kind as to give me a countdown?  
  
Audience: 10!  
  
Lupa: 9!  
  
Raziel: 8!  
  
Levi: 7!  
  
Rahab: 6!  
  
Melchiah: 5!  
  
Tor: 4!  
  
Dumah: 3!  
  
Zephon: 2!  
  
Kain: 1!  
  
Everyone: DUNK!  
  
Moebius: EEEEEEEE-*GLOMP!*  
  
Moebius vanishes beneath the dye.  
  
Everyone: HUZZAH!  
  
The audience rise to their feet cheering, wolf whistling and clapping. Up on the stage Kain bows to the audience as some fangirls in the middle front row start throwing red roses onto the stage. Raziel is off stage grinning, partly because Moebius is pink but mainly because he has Lupa perched on his lap. He suddenly frowns.  
  
Raziel: Hummm.... Why do I keep thinking we've forgotten something?  
  
Hummm.... Could that be because you have, Raz?   
  
In the meantime, over at Janos' Retreat........  
  
Pipehead: Hee-hee! Zap!  
  
Pipehead was amusing herself by teasing a Sentry Eye.  
  
Janos: Piper! Be careful!  
  
Pipehead: Okay mister Angil.  
  
She picks up a rock and throws it at the Sentry Eye, who blows it to pieces with an energy bolt. Janos sighs and goes back to the balcony, she seems to be enjoying herself. He sits on the balcony and dangles his legs over the edge. From what he could gather Piper's baby-sitter had left her with some friends while she went out somewhere and Piper had them run away from them. It looked like he was going to have to contact the authorities himself. Janos looks around the calm snowy mountains of his home and spots a small group of people making their way up a mountain ledge covered in snow, Janos scowls.  
  
Janos: Mist! What the hell are they doing back here? Bleedin' tourists!  
  
Janos climbs to his feet.  
  
Janos: OI! YOU LOT! CLEAR OFF!  
  
The camera focuses on a small group who turn out to be the Fellowship of the Ring. (G/N: Turel puts the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack into the CD player and turns the sound up full blast.) Legolas looks out upon hearing a fell voice in the air.  
  
Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air. (G/N: Turel pulls a face)  
  
Janos' Voice: (distantly) Get the hell off my mountain!  
  
Gandalf: It's SARUMAN!  
  
Aragorn: But, Saruman doesn't have a German accent!  
  
Frodo: You're right, look! (points) It's that blue dude!  
  
Boromir slaps Gandalf.  
  
Boromir: You barmy old codger! You've led us up the wrong mountain AGAIN!  
  
Gimli: And talking about fell, that guy looks like he's about to fell us if we don't get off his mountain sharpish!  
  
Gandalf: About face!  
  
Janos's Voice: (still distantly) And if I ever see any of you rabble again-!  
  
Gandalf: Forward MARCH!  
  
The Fellowship start to make their way slowly down the mountain. Gimli takes this opportunity to trip Legolas up with the pole of his axe while the elf is making his 'poncy way' downhill. This cause Legolas to slide in a rather undignified fashion down the mountain's side and off the top of a cliff. The rest of the Fellowship watch this in a horrified silence then they all stare at Gimli.  
  
Gimli: What? Oh come on, he's an elf, immortal! He can only be killed by fire, steel, or grief. He'll have a broken nail at best and a broken leg at worst.  
  
Janos is getting a bit impatient with the groups slow progress and decides to speed things up. With a wave of his hand and a mischievous grin Janos summons twelve Thralls and cause them to appear out of the ground just behind the Fellowship. After the initial moment of blind panic they make good their escape on shield, axe and hobbit used as sledges. When they reach the bottom they make their way back across the ice. From Janos' point of view we can see a dark shape moving after them under the ice that looks like a denizen of the deep but turns out to be a vengeful elf, which is much, mush worse.  
  
Janos sighs happily to himself as the sounds of a large piece of ice being brought down repetitively on someone's head drift up to him and gets out his phone book.  
  
Back at the Sarafan Fortress.....  
  
Kain and his own fellowship are standing outside, having left Moebius screaming denial and at the crowds mercy inside. From the other side of the fortress we can hear the water based battleship game raging on, the sounds of rocks, furniture and the occasional bovine being hurled through the air at seventy miles a hour float over to is.  
  
Kain: Right! Anyone have any idea which direction we should be heading?  
  
Rahab: How about left.  
  
Kain: Why left?  
  
Rahab: Because of that.  
  
Rahab points behind Kain and he turns. Behind him is a neon pink flashing sign saying 'Piper Autumn Archer (Pipehead) went left Kain'.  
  
Kain: (looking a little nonplussed) Ah, Right. Well, one direction is as good as another.  
  
Tor: Mister Kain, sir? Raziel isn't here.  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
Kain counts his group and see that yes, he is missing a first born son.  
  
Kain: Where is that air headed narcissit?  
  
We the quickly change scene to the room with the scrying pool and the doors that lead to the time streaming chambers. If we listen to the door of the chamber of arrival (the one without the pink crystal) we can hear whooping and cheering as the crowd torment the now shocking pink Moebius. If we listen to the door of the chamber of departure (the one with the pink crystal) we can hear a lot of moaning and the occasional howl.  
  
We now return to Kain's group.  
  
Kain: Oh well, Raz is a big boy. He can look after himself. Lets go.  
  
And so they set off. They walk for a brisk half a hour till they reach the Pillars. Chained to the Pillars for some reason is a red haired hunchback. After a double take they all silently agree to move on without comment. They keep going until they reach Termogent Swamp. Well, what should be Termogent Swamp. What they find is the smoking remains of the swamp (Rahab: How in the name of seven hells can a swamp burn down?), a somewhat peeved Vorador doing some sort of deranged war dance of annoyance while screaming gibberish (the only understandable word being 'tangerine'). They also find a young man doing handstands with a little goblin thing on his feet lifting rocks with his mind next to a crashed starfighter. After getting their autographs they group try to decide which way to go next. Levi is volunteered to go and ask for directions and he approaches a large man with a bushy black bearded.  
  
Levi: Excuse me?  
  
Hagrid: What? Eh? Oh, hello there. What can I do yer fer?  
  
Levi: Umm? Have you seen a little girl? Blond hair, pigtails, about so high, dressed in pink?  
  
Hagrid: Humm, oh her! Yeah, I seen 'er. She was headin' towards that village in the north with the funny church and name...... I shouldn't have said that!  
  
Levi: Really? Okay, thanks!  
  
Hagrid: I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have said that, I should not have said that!  
  
Levi runs back to the group and tells them what he's learnt.  
  
Rahab: Before we move on, is anyone else worried that all these random people are turning up in Nosgoth  
  
Zephon: Not really, at some point the faculty of Unseen University will turn up and we can blame them sine it always comes down to being their fault.  
  
Melchiah: He's got a point.  
  
Kain: Very well. In the meantime let us make way to Ulshen...... Ulstentin-ten....... Ulcertintanterry-to-to-mine........ That small village in the northern mountains!  
  
===========  
  
Kain: I don't get it, I could say it in Blood Omen.  
  
GoT: (pats him on the shoulder) Don't worry, I only did it because it's funny.  
  
Kain: (sighs) What have I done to deserve this?  
  
Brogan: Where's Raziel?  
  
GoT: Still in the time thingie with Lupa, don't think we'll see him till next chapter. Now can I, Brogan?  
  
Brogan: (sighs for a third time) Yes, all right.  
  
GoT: Squee!!! (starts to type the next chapter of Jail Break)  
  
Brogan: I suppose it's up to me then? Right. (turns to the readers) Review or I'll eat you, okay? Happy? Good! See you in Jail Break on fictionpress. 


End file.
